Helping you to live consciously!
The Art and Science of Parenting
12/20/2009
To begin at the beginning, allow me to state that I have an actual degree in parenting, another in early childhood education, and two in psychology, and I still think parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done! I see many people who are frantic over issues with their children, big and small, and think they OUGHT TO be able to handle those younger folks who share their house. First off, allow me to remind you of an old concept in psychology: "good enough parenting." Kids do not need perfect parents. In fact, perfect parents are annoying! Kids need imperfect parents who love them and do their best.

That said, research and experience demonstrate some things that work with kids better than others. Authoritatian "do it because I said so" parenting does not work as well as authoritative "there is a reason for you to do it this way" parenting. Nor does permissive "do it however you like" parenting! Logical consequences work better as a concept than punishments: if the ball is thrown at the window, we take away the ball and bring the child indoors rather than taking away the computer. Threats never work--amazingly, kid tend to hear threats as a dare: "If you throw that ball at that window one more time, I will ground you for life" is heard as "I dare you to throw that ball again," and they do! Labels are scary for kids. "Good girl" said when she is putting her toys away, give her little mind then notion that she is a BAD GIRL when she is not. "Thank you for cleaning up your things" avoids the label problem.

Kids are easily overwhelmed with feelings. Teaching them how to change their frightening or upsetting thoughts for calming ones will get their feelings under control. They will be calmer and happier, and you will have a happier household.

Strange as it seems, there is a sort of logic to understanding your children, but it is not adult logic. The readings below are a start at understanding how kids tick. Feel free to phone for an appointment if you need further guidance over a rough spot with your children.

Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Rough Spot Training: A Manual for Helping Children Develop Emotional Self-Control, Self-Soothing, and Behavioral Management

How To Raise An Amazing Child the Montessori Way

Ego Traps
11/14/2009
The EGO is a much written about part of your personality that causes no end of mischief. In psychology, was speak a lot about this tricky part of the self---some consider it to be the basis of who you are, the "I", the mature self. In reality, the human personality is too complex to be reduced to a few basic concepts. But most of us have a sense of our own ego, a part that drives us to improve, feels hurt when we are insulted, or feels defeated when we fail at a task or fall short of someone's expectations. Thus, we can spend a great deal of time and energy defending our egos from injury and trying to prop them up. Because it is fond of social comparison, the ego likes to think we are better than others and defines us by what we accomplish that others will find impressive. Avoiding the traps set by your ego can be a full-time job until you are wise to its tricks.

You are heading out for your daily run. Are you worried about how you look? Are you wondering if that cute guy or gal will be running today as well? Are you worried about how fast your time will be or whether you will do better than that fellow over there? Or are you focused on the joy of moving your body with grace and efficiency? Are you in the moment learning to improve your personal performance? It is your ego who feeds those earlier and not very useful thoughts and takes your focus away from the joy of the moment and the learning that every moment can contain.

Your ego has another insidious trick--making excuses. When it does not like your performance, it tries to disavow responsibilty--"Well, it was too cold to run today anyway," "He is taller so it is easy for him to run faster," "She got started a little sooner," "I am stil not quite over that virus." What if you ignore your ego and focus on feeling good that you got yourself out in the cold to give it a go? Or that you are running more smoothly than before your injury last summer? When you focus on the games of the ego, your behavior will suffer. In fact, we most often end up looking and feeling foolish when, instead of focusing on the positive aspects of the moment, we are struggling to placate our tricky ego.

There are many ways to achieve the peace of mind that comes with living in the moment and refusing to get caught in ego traps. Some use mindfulness meditation; others simply choose to refocus their energies in the present rather than the past or future. Rational Emotive Therapy is a great tool for learning to stop judging yourself and others and develop unconditional acceptance for them and you. which gives you more personal power to change your behavior rather than getting stuck in self-criticism. Stop getting stuck in ego traps!

Suggested readings:

The Myth of Self-esteem: How Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy Can Change Your Life Forever The Rock Warrior's Way: Mental Training for Climbers

Is Depression Contagious?
10/28/2009
I have been gifted with a copy of a new book by Dr. Michael Yapko, called Depression Is Contagious: How the Most Common Mood Disorder Is Spreading Around the World and How to Stop It. I am in love. What a great title. Wish I had thought of it. Whatever can he mean? Well, as in that old joke about insanity (you know: "Insanity is hereditary, we get it from our kids"), depression is hereditary in much the same way! We get it from our environment. We either learn to cope with adversity or we don't. We either learn to see things in a positive light or we don't. We either gather social resources in our lives or we don't. We either exercise or we don't. And we learn those things from others when we are quite young. What this means is that there is hope for your depression, and the hope comes from learning new ways to take care of yourself, deal with adversity and stress, and form and maintain relationships. Techniques that have existed for quite a while--rational emotive therapy, cognitive therapy, and clinical hypnosis are demonstrated to help you learn new ways of handling things that come up, and if needed, looking backward at how the patterns that you need to unlearn evolved. Fight back. If depression is contagious, there is a vaccine, and the vaccine is to change how you think and act.
Fall Flu Woes
9/28/2009
This year we have two sorts of influenza breakouts--the regular seasonal one and the dreaded H1N1--aka "Swine Flu." EVERYBODY PANIC. Some of you might recall, as I do, the Hong Kong Flu of the 60's. My school resorted to counting who was there rather than who was not there for several weeks. Some of us sat in nearly-empty classrooms day after day (having a good immune system was not a bonus: by the time I got it, everyone else was back in class), learning nothing--there were no teachers. The thing is, though, we did not panic, and no one in our school died. There was no vaccine for this thing, and we were not even smart enough to wash our hands more frequently (or stay home just to avoid catching things). This year's outbreak has the media all screaming "panic," and I am hearing people every day changing their lives to avoid the flu: "Maybe I will skip the gym until spring--place is a hotbed of germs," "the kids can skip daycare this winter--I can afford to stay home with them," "I would go shopping, but there are just so many people," and my personal favorite: "I won't use a public water fountain--too many germs." Now I hate having the flu as much as anyone, and some years I get a flu shot if I feel stressed when the season rolls around, but unless you are in a class of particularly vulnerable individuals (you know who you are, because you are paying attention to your physician), please don't panic. The flu SUCKS. It hurts, it takes a long time to recover from, and it is unpleasant all around, but we tend to forget in this age of modern medicine, that folks get sick with these sorts of things all the time and then they most often get better. We hate the vulnerable feeling of germs hanging around out there, but they have always been there. The differences are that there are more of us to share them, more media to remind us, more pressure not to get sick, and we demand better health! Don't panic. Get a vaccine if it feels warranted. Use good hygiene and take care of yourself, and your immune system will take care of you.
Exercise: It's Not Just the Treadmill Anymore
8/31/2009
Ok, so we all hate to exercise--especially as soon as someone says we must because it is good for us. Kind of like eating your spinach; as soon as it is good for you, it must not be fun. What if it could be fun? I find that clients who enjoy their workout routine are much more likely to continue than those who hate it. Gee, I bet you knew that already! But that did not stop you from making yourself go to the gym and kill yourself on that elliptical, now, did it? Until you quit one day when you just could not do it one more time. Or just plain forgot. For most of us, there is some form of healthy physical activity we like. Admittedly, in Chicago, this is likely to have to change with the seasons, but why could you not row a boat on nice days instead of cooping yourself up in a gym? Or go for a bike ride or a long, vigorous walk (this often requires some creativity to count as exercise--you might need weights, a backpack, or some hills to break a sweat). In winter, try rock-climbing in a gym, climbing the stairs at work, or snow shoeing. Mix it up. Scientifically, your fitness goals are achieved better by mixing it up than doing the same thing day after day anyhow! Have fun--use your body and meet your personal goals.
Veggie Fest 2009: Good Food, Healthy Living
7/31/2009
It is time for Veggie Fest in Naperville--two days of fun and informaton and food. Please join us August 8-9 at the Science of Spirituality Center, 45 175N Naperville-Wheaton Rd, Naperville, IL. Hope to see you there!
When is Your Pain "All in Your Head"?
6/30/2009
If you have chronic pain, perhaps you have gotten that unpleasant impression that doctors are sometimes just humoring you. Physicians are in a quandary when treating chronic pain. If the pain has a traceable source, such as a bad back or inflammatory disease process, there are pain medications that will work. But due to various restrictions on these effective drugs, doctors are often concerned about the prescriptions they write, leaving you and your pain in a bad way.

Even worse, if that pain does not have a traceable source, such as pain from migraine, complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS-1 or RSD), or fibromyalgia (FMS), those standard pain medications are unlikely to help.

Back to the original question--when is the pain "all in your head"? Pretty much always! Remember, pain is a perception--the translation by your brain of a series of signals from your body that things are not right. When we treat pain, we are treating your brain. Pain medications work on pain receptors in the brain, which is where that complication of physicians having to be concerned about the addictive potential of effective pain medications comes in. Now people in pain rarely abuse their medications, but it can happen, and we all know the government has no tolerance for that margin of error.

With the sorts of pain that do not have a specific source of origin, the brain is already flooded with chemicals that block the efficacy of medicine, and the pain signals are actually a result of the distortion of brain-body communication, so other treatments are needed. Just because it is all in your head, does not mean you are crazy or pretending, though. Nor does it mean you do not deserve to be comfortable.

Regardless of which kind of chronic pain you suffer with, hypnosis is often quite effective at controlling it. The first type of pain has been shown to repond directly to hypnosis--brain scans actually demonstrate the effectiveness of hypnosis at reducing the pain signals. The second type of pain is more complex, because the pain signals are providing misinformation about the condition of the body--in these cases hypnosis as part of an integrated treatment program to re-educate the nervous system can be quite effective!

Treat your pain where it is generated--in the brain! Hypnosis works.

Sick of the Emergencies of Modern Life
5/31/2009
Did you ever notice how many emergencies you hear about on the news? From weather to war to politics to economics, there is always an emergency. Or is there? Stop and think. What if the media are hyping the stuff of life to make exciting headlines? What if a significant portion of what they are yelling about is NOT an emergency?

Let's take weather. Weather happens. It always has, and it always will. Really. We had weather when I was a kid and when my parents' parents were kids, too. Weather varies from wonderful to dangerous on a fairly regular basis. It is great that we have modern warning systems to tell us when the weather is genuinely dangerous. But should not our common sense kick in, too? When I was little, if it was dangerously hot, we opened a fire hydrant or went to the beach. There was no air conditioning in most homes. We drank lots of "Kool-Aid" (yuck!) and sold lemonade at the corner. We knew to take it easy. We knew what to do in a thunderstorm and did it. In tornado season, we had drills and knew what to do. Sometimes we even had to do it for real. These days, every change in the weather seems to result in raised voices on the news and frantic folks everywhere.

On to the economy. It is a great hardship to lose your job, and startling when many of your neighbors do, too. But is that a national emergency? What if neighbors all pitched in to help one another when someone loses a job? How many of us would not bring a meal to the neighbor whose wages were suddenly gone? But now we assume the government should do it. This has several bad effects. The first is that fewer of us step up. Another is that we must be taxed more for the government to do so. The third is that there are now fewer tax payers to handle it. A vicious cycle is thus created, resulting in that family being in a bad way. Another bad effect seems to be massive panic resulting in even more worsening of the economy as folks wait with trepidation for the other shoe to fall.

Which brings us to what I see in my office; what may be the worst effect of all of this new idea of living in a constant state of emergency. (Is it really always "Condition Orange" at the airport?) Normal people with miserable symptoms. From anxiety to irritable bowel to hypertension, people's bodies are reacting to the constant tension to which they are subjected. Emergency rooms are flooded with people in pain. And a lot of that pain is the result of stress and tension. It is NOT "all in your head," though it does come from your response to the stress and tension all around and within you. This means you have to recalibrate your perceptions AND quiet the inner, scared voices. Modern life does have its dangers, but they are less often life-threatening than they once were. However, our bodies cannot tell life-threatening danger from the milder dangers and stresses associated with high-pressure, fast-paced modern living. What if the news really reported the news? What if, even if they continue to sensationalize everything, we could all be calmer and more comfortable? You can. Try Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy!

"I can't find anything to eat in here"
4/29/2009
You have all seen it--Mom goes on a diet and suddenly the fridge and the pantry are foreign territory. Nothing looks familiar. Strange new foods appear; old favorites have vanished. Here is a challenge--take this one step futher--for the last time!

Let's start with that idea of a diet. Your diet should be the food you eat. Emphasis on "food". It should not be some weird aberration from a book or a TV show that you try every time you cannot get into your favorite jeans or some guy at the club can bench more than you. What is food? Real food is the veggies that grow out of the ground; it is healthy animals raised for consumption as their nature intends (note that this means cows do NOT live on corn--cows, being ruminants, should eat grass.); it is whole grains with the bran and germ attached; and fats and sugars only from real plants and animals.

Eating real food is a commitment. Choosing good, wholesome food requires knowing something about how food is produced. Then one must know how to prepare edible meals from raw materials. To shop correctly, we need to understand why our bodies crave things that are not good for us and avoid those processed items! Sugars and fats, scarce in nature, are plentiful at your supermarket. But your body was made to crave them for fuel because, being naturally scarce, they needed to be sought as precious commodities and consumed when available. Modern society has solved the scarcity problem without solving the craving problem. We all know the result of that, a host of modern diseases caused by the excessive consumption of artificially derived fats and sugars with lots of added salt: heart disease, obesity, hypertension, stroke, gut disorders, adult-onset diabetes among them. Say no to the illnesses of the modern western diet! Eat food.

When a diet becomes a plan for eating real food, and your family expects to see food that requires preparation when they open the fridge, you will be well on your way to a healthier household!

Mom, my stomach hurts....
3/25/2009
Your 16-year-old daughter has had stomach pains for 3 months now. You have had her to the doctor. She sent you to a specialist. Tests do not reveal anything wrong, but the child cannot go to school at least 2 days a week and is falling behind on her studies. You know she is not making it up--she is in pain! There have been more doctors. The docs have tried every medicine in the book, some of which, you have noticed, are not approved for use in children nor for abdominal distress. You have tried acupuncture, maybe homeopathy. Just before they give up, the latest set of docs offer to do exploratory surgery on your kid. That is when you cry "Enough!"

Your daughter has functional abdominal pain. It can come with or without irritable bowel, with or without diarrhea, with or without vomitting. In any form, it is not fun. There seems to be an epidemic of kids with pain these days. Modern life is complicated and stressful. Kids are under more pressure than ever to perform in school, to make tough decisions, and to do more and more. Parents are ill-prepared to help their kids navigate modern adolescence--your kids's lives make your stressful adolescence look benign in comparison.

There is help for your child and for you! All of you can learn to negotiate the stressors of modern life, and your child can return to being the happy, healthy kid you once knew. Clinical hypnosis has been shown in studies on IBS to help to return the gut (or other organ or system) to its normal function. Your child also needs professional help to explore how he reacts to his life that got him into this mess. Rational Emotive Therapy will help him or her redirect that sense of being overwhelmed and get hm or her back on track. Parents and kids are often amazed at how easy it is, with the right tour guide, to rediscover a comfortable, happy life.

Stop Making Yourself Anxious in Front of IMPORTANT People
2/24/2009
So you have social anxiety. You HATE giving those sales talks at work and you would NEVER volunteer to speak to a church or school group. Your palms get sweaty, and you are sure your heart can be heard for a mile. You can feel yourself shaking. Your chest hurts. AND you know everyone in the room can hear you sweat! How on Earth can anyone expect you to get over it when your body is going nuts and your brain is shutting down? So, does the room MAKE you anxious? Does the crowd? Does knowing that your boss is in the second row? According to the principles of Rational Emotive Therapy, the answer is NO! You make yourself anxious because you are talking silently to yourself--telling yourself things like "It would be awful if they can see me sweat" and "I will die if the boss hears me make a mistake" and "I can't stand these sales talks; I should not have to go through this." In fact, these thoughts started long before you got up to speak, didn't they? So by the time you got up there, you were jelly, and your brain was offline. What if it turns out you do NOT have to listen to that litany of scary stuff in your mind? You can learn to turn off those thoughts and others like them that let you make yourself crazy! Retrain your inner fear-monger. Conquer your social anxiety.

Suggested readings:

Edelstein, Michael R. & Steele, David R. (1997) Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life
Ellis, Albert (2000) How To Control Your Anxiety Before It Controls You
Hauck, Paul (1975) Overcoming Worry and Fear

Winter Blues, Grays, or Whites....
1/23/2009
It is winter in Chicago. A particularly gray one at that. How many of us find ourselves feeling sluggish, down, and unenthused during such a winter? In the news, you can read about SAD, seasonal affective disorder, and you think "oh, I have this disorder and that explains why I am so miserable" and you stay miserable. But, really, most mammals are affected by the weather, the number of hours of daily sunshine, and the availability of fresh foods. And you are a mammal! So help yourself cope with the winter blues. First, get up early and turn on the lights. Second, eat plenty of fresh foods. Avoid that winter starch and fat diet! Third, dress warmly and spend some time outdoors. What if it were fun to shovel the snow or pull that little one around on that sled? Try shoveling late at night under the stars when all is silent. Reclaim the winter!
Many Holidays
12/23/2008
Whatever your beliefs, whatever your traditions, this is a busy time of year. Having tried to ignore it, and failed, most of us figure out that it is better to get the seasonal spirit and have fun! Buying gifts, cleaning house, decorating, having guests, seeing folks you rarely see, cooking and eating things you don't eat the rest of the year......it is easy to become overwhelmed and overlook the joy and the fun. Take a breath. Another. Now, look outside at the snow, the brightly lit houses, the gaily wrapped gifts, the food, your family and friends. And regardless of your beliefs, be grateful for all that you have--truly thankful--even if in other years there has been more--gratitude is a nurturing emotion. The world is a wondrous place, and it is too easy to forget wonderment in the haste of daily demands and expectations. Breathe--enjoy. Season's Greetings from the Center for Conscious Living.
Down with Diets
12/7/2008
Love yourself, love your body! Never diet again. A diet is a thing you go on and--inevitably--off. When you are ready to lose those annoying extra inches (not pounds--who cares what you weigh, as long as you look and feel the way you want to!), make up your mind to change your ways. Change your eating habits--forever. Eat real food, eat regularly, work your muscles, increase your metabolism, and have the body you deserve. Stay away from those pretty, tempting wrappers piled high in those many center aisles of the supermarket (or better yet, give up the supermarket for small, private markets with fresher produce and fewer aisles to tease you). Explore new vegetables and eat some of them raw. Reduce your consumption of processed "foods" and learn to love the heartiness of whole grains. EAT BREAKFAST. Find new ways to use your body--hate the gym? Try rock climbing or biking. We can help! Get a complete lifestyle analysis. Learn to use self-hypnosis to make change easier. Ring in the New Year with a healthier body. 630-249-1983.
The truth about so-called anti-depressant drugs
11/30/2008

Pharmaceutical Industry Hustlers – Part I
SSRI Antidepressants Pushers

By Evelyn Pringle

"After twenty long years, it appears that the epidemic in mental disorders in America might be coming to an end. It won't happen because of any great medical breakthrough but rather because the perpetrators of the greatest healthcare fraud in history are finally being exposed. The demolition of the giant "psycho-pharmaceutical complex" appears to be on the horizon."

Pharmaceutical Industry Hustlers - Part II
Pushers of SSRI Antidepressants

by Evelyn Pringle

"To gain approval for treating children, all a drug company has to do is submit two positive studies to the FDA to prove a medication is safe and effective for kids. However, after 20 years of feeding the new generation of antidepressants to tens of thousands of kids in clinical trials, the only one ever approved is Prozac."

Our newest feature: News and Notes about Psychology
11/29/2008
The Center for Conscious Living is launching this new blog feature to keep consumers informed about research in psychology, issues affecting your health, and other relevant material. Check in on this space to see links to news stories about psychiatric drugs, research on hypnosis and the brain, and health and fitness tips. Be a more informed consumer of psychological services.
 If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers.   -Maya Angelou