I Love My Partner, but
I'm Just Not Happy

We hear this all the time from couples struggling to fix a marriage that has taken a wrong turn. Fortunately, the majority of marriages are repairable, even when they have become VERY uncomfortable for one or both partners. It is most often the case that people choose partners with whom they are generally compatible, but as they mature and children or other life cycle events interrupt the relationship, problems arise. When couples come to the Center for Conscious Living, we assume that the marriage is viable and work with both partners to learn to get what they want and help their partners get what they want from the relationship.

Marital therapy can take a variety of forms. Frequently, one partner comes to us seeking help with depression or anxiety and eventually it comes up in therapy that one of the reasons for the emotional distress is an uneasy marital situation. Other times, one partner phones the office, hoping we can help to convince the spouse to enter marital therapy. Thankfully, there are also those situations when both partners realize that there is a problem and agree to enter treatment together from the start. Either way, once treatment with both partners has begun, most of the couples we see are able to resolve their problems and create a strong relationship, often better than it has ever been.

People often ask whether we believe their marriage can be fixed. There is obviously no easy answer, but we have found that as long as both partners are willing to work at the relationship, the vast majority of the couples we see stay together and report that the relationship is still healthy at follow-up visits. Another frequently asked question is how long treatment will take. Again, there is no easy answer, but with two people involved, the modal length of treatment is six months. Few couples take longer to complete treatment, but many need less time. Yet another question we hear is "Can you help me to fix my marriage if my partner refuses to come to treatment?" While technically this is possible, our observation has been that when only one partner enters treatment, even though he or she is working hard to change destructive or dysfunctional behaviors, the relationship may improve, but most often does not stabilize. It takes two to create a good relationship. There is one question that is easy to answer. "Is it all my fault?" No. Just as it takes two people to create a good marriage, it takes two people to create a bad one. While one person may have a more obvious problem, such as an affair or anger or depression, there are issues involving each partner that will be dealt with in therapy to ensure that the new, improved relationship avoids the pitfalls the old one fell into. And finally, the question, "Do you deal with affairs?" One of the guiding philosophies of the Center for Conscious Living in doing marital work is that problems are relationship problems. While an affair is a significant breach of trust within the relationship, there are most often other problems within the marriage which also need to be explored. Given time and effort by both partners, even the affair can be overcome. We have seen couples get over an affair and leave treatment with a healthy relationship.

Many times an otherwise strong relationship begins to deteriorate because the partners have different expectations of the marriage. While it is a given that two individuals come to a relationship with different needs and expectations, it is not necessary for people to stop having individual needs and desires in order for them to relate well. However, it is necessary for them to communicate their needs to one another in non-threatening ways, to listen empathically to one another, and to be willing to learn when and where compromise is needed. In treatment, couples learn to negotiate successfully with each other to enable both partners to get what they want from the relationship. Couples also learn additional relationship and communication skills to facilitate ongoing growth and understanding within the relationship even after therapy is terminated.

Once both parties are committed to the therapeutic process, the therapist will help you to determine a treatment plan. This may involve exclusively conjoint sessions or, more likely, some individual sessions for each partner, combined with joint sessions. Clients are invited to select a therapist based upon their own preferences, or to ask the Center to help with the selection process. The Center for Conscious Living provides licensed clinical psychologists with extensive training and experience in marital therapy to help you to improve your relationship. We invite you to phone the Center with your questions, and we encourage both partners to interview the prospective therapist.